nihilism as a coping method

i pick at a scab on my face while thinking of you. it’s giving me a pain in my stomach that is on the verge of being more than uncomfortable. i don’t know why you’re so scared of everything. nothing matters anyway!! at all!!!!! my shoes are comfortable but my leg is sore from sitting the same way for forty-four minutes. i want to go home and lie down and drink soda. i’ve been drinking [enough] water for the past week or so and my skin’s just getting worse. i didn’t even notice it but then i was messing around with my bangs and then i saw my forehead and it looked like a tiny pepperoni pizza. i don’t even like pepperoni pizza. ok, it’s alright, but it’s not my favorite, i guess. you won’t text me back now. i wish i couldn’t pinpoint the exact time that i morphed right back into the insecure compulsive liar i was when i was twelve. i stopped being a compulsive liar because i wanted to complain more. complaining isn’t as fun as i thought it would be. it seems to drive people away and it gets old after a few years. it’s sunny outside and i wish i’d worn a skirt, but if i did i’d be pulling up my socks every two minutes. maybe i’ll change when i get home. there isn’t any logic to that but i’ll probably do it anyway. i’m already starting to despise myself for it so i hope i’ll resist the urge. maybe i should just start checking the damn weather. i’m hesitant to because i think, “what makes you think you know what the weather’s gonna be like!!! who do you think you are!!!!!!” maybe i’m just jealous of the weather-people. i don’t know how to get that job. obviously you don’t have to be attractive or have a good haircut from what i’ve seen, but you probably have to shower everyday. and wear pencil skirts. and either wear skin-colored pantyhose or shave your legs everyday during your daily shower. i don’t want to shower everyday. i don’t even want to shower every year. what a waste of time! why create human bodies to get all gross and dirty so quickly? i can’t lie my way out of this anymore and i don’t know how to hide. i feel like my personality relies on me having several boyfriends in their mid-20s. i don’t know where i’ll be without them! i don’t know who i am!!!!!!!! i don’t know!!!!! i feel like i’m in a cold sweat after waking up from a nightmare. i feel like i’m asleep but now that i think about it it makes me feel weird ‘cause when you’re dreaming you don’t really know it and it’s your reality right then but then you wake up and it’s so unreal and you can’t picture it like you can picture a real memory!!! i have a bad memory so i can’t do that anyway. how vivid is a dream… in a way dreaming is just another world, another life maybe the dream me sleeps during the day and dreams of going to school and doing mundane things and being sad all the time -- i hope not, cus that’d be really sad for her, but at least during her real life she gets to have fun. what do you even do to treat nightmares? maybe she can do that and we can both be happier! i feel like choking up like you do before you cry but i made a new year’s resolution to not cry but that’s stupid i’m stupid and it should’ve been to cry more, maybe into my water bottles to give them a little more flavor because they’re so fucking bland as it is… just like my life! kill me! i want to live in a dream! if i had ambien right now i wouldn’t be conscious anymore